The Caterer of Saint Petersburg

A New Cold War Thriller

By JOHN LEAKE

Author’s Note: The following is a work of fiction in the style of Alexander Dumas (père).

In the waning days of the Russian-Ukrainian War, as the last of Ukraine’s able-bodied young soldiers are run into the meat grinder of Russian defensive positions, the Biden Administration becomes desperate for something that could turn the tide on the Kremlin. No scheme seems very realistic, but then a young hotshot Russian analyst at Langley notices something that seems promising.

The analyst is played by a handsome All-American Boy actor in the vein of Jack Ryan. In a flashback to a youthful adventure in St. Petersburg, he falls into conversation with the then caterer, Yevgeny Prigozhin. In the present (over a decade later) Prigozhin is the head of the Wagner Group, and he is very unhappy about how badly the Kremlin is running the war and mistreating him and his comrades. Clearly the enigmatic man has had a terrible falling out with his old friend Vladimir Putin.

Prigozhin’s most politically charged complaint is that Putin tricked the valiant Russian people and soldiers into believing that NATO wanted to make a move on Russia by way of Ukraine. What a bold thing for Prigozhin to proclaim. Come to think of it, it’s precisely the sort of thing a Neocon policy wonk in Washington would say. That Prigozhin is a mercenary also seems promising. By definition, mercenaries fight for money, so wouldn’t he consider fighting for the higher bidder?

And so the Caterer of Saint Petersburg is approached by an agent working for the CIA, who promises to pay him a huge and untraceable sum if he agrees to lead his Wagner gang on a grand march to Moscow, inspiring masses of disaffected Russian regular army soldiers and officers to join him along the way. Their mutiny will be further strengthened by masses of disaffected Russian youth who are afraid of being conscripted and sent to the front if Putin’s war drags on much longer. It’ll be just like Caesar crossing the Rubicon with only his 13th Legion. Though his army was small, his support among the inhabitants of the Italian peninsula was huge.

Prigozhin accepts the offer, and on Friday, June 23, he announces his mutiny and embarks on his march to Moscow. Strangely enough, he doesn’t seem to encounter much armed resistance along the way, though there is much talk in the Western media about the Wagner Group exchanging fire with Russian regular military units, and the Kremlin confirms that sone Russian aircraft have been shot down by the Wagner renegades.

Vladimir Putin decries Prigozhin as a vile traitor, and a spectacular showdown seems imminent. Inside the Beltway, America’s legion of Expert Dunces proclaim that a Russian Civil War is in the offing, and that the perfidious Putin will soon be on the ropes.

And then …. the entire bold adventure seems to end as quickly as it began. Prigozhin does an about face and heads to Belarus while most of his soldiers head back to Ukraine. Oddly enough, in spite of all the Kremlin’s tough talk about Prigozhin being a traitor, the treason charge is quickly dropped.

Back at Langley, everyone is wondering what on earth happened to the imminent Russian civil war. The Agency’s clandestine financing unit (which Congress probably doesn’t even know about) is left wondering what happened to the billions it just routed to Prigozhin’s bank account.

The film ends with a panoramic shot of Minsk in Belarus, and then cuts to a sumptuous interior of a city palace, where the Caterer of Saint Petersburg is enjoying a fabulous dinner with Vladimir Putin. The two men are laughing, and the normally abstemious President joins his old friend in drinking a glass of Romanee-Conti Grand Cru. Prigozhin raises his glass and says, “To the Americans!”

“To the Americans!” Putin says.